anxiety, anxiety you give me no mercy

he doesn't know.
that's all i hear.
i don't know.
i don't know.

everything.
do you want something?
i don't know.

do you still want to be with me?
i don't know.

i'm anxious. and easily stressed.
and it stresses him out.
and i'm sad all the time..
and it's hard on him.

i've been mean..
but i just miss him..
and he never misses me the same.
he never seems to want to be around me..

he doesn't kiss me the same.
except today...
and i cried.
because it was sad..
that he hasn't been that passionate in over a month.
two months?
..

remember what i said?
.. how long does it take for someone not to matter.
or something..

i just never change..

i need to be happy...

grind my teeth, smooth and flat in my sleep.

nicotine, valium, vicodin, marjuanna, extacy and alcohol.

after what happened.
my brother came into my room.
all sympathetic-like.
though his words said differently..

he told me that i should just ignore the badman.
i shouldn't talk to him anymore.
even if i see him doing something.

conflict is obviously frowned upon.
but it doesn't matter if he's going through peoples stuff.
if he stealing. and sticking his nose where it shouldn't.
as long as i don't stick my nose in his nosing.

it really hurts to hear that.

i'm supposed to completely isolate myself.
and let him take advantage of everyone around me.
i'm supposed to not care if he hurts my family.
cuz that of course won't hurt me.
as long as he doesn't touch my things.

what if he does?
what if it was my hard-worked lunch?
the refrigerator isn't even safe.
are my things in the bathroom?

nobody shares my point of view.
they dislike him..
and don't trust him.
but nobody will stand up for anyone.



after eric went upstairs..

i can hear everything.
i don't think they realize it.
they might not care.

upstairs in the living room my grandmother and brother started talking about it.
he told her what he told me.
and she said that he wouldn't do anything to me.
so i really shouldn't react like that..
and eric admitted that he "don't trust (thebadman) as far as i can throw him"
but sort of agreed with grandma.

and they changed to alot of subjects.

they don't understand me really..(they said.)
i'm "so uptight all the time"
i "can't take a joke."
and with "the way i was raised"
the way my dad acted.
the way my mom had to deal with it.

he would call her names just to "bug"
badnames.

and he didn't act properly..
not very responsible.

and my mom had to be really tough.
and unlike eric or chris she was my main influence..
eric spent alot of time at my grandmothers.
and with my auntie (badmans ex-wife) babysitting.

and i "didn't understand how this house works".

and my grandmother will always defend the badman.
he's her son i guess..
i guess i don't need any defending.
and it is her house.
but that doesn't make anything right.

my mom came home. she heard about what happened.
she talked to my grandma and told me exactly what eric told me.
and that it's her house.
not ours.

and so i'm sitting here. hungry.
everyone tells me how important it is for me to eat.
but i can't face them..
i feel punished.

i don't belong anywhere.
i don't have a home.



look at a place far away from here

c-c-cocaine..

my uncle.
i believe he is a BADman.

i really didn't think alot of people were really bad people.
maybe anxious. confused. ignorant. but not seriously malicious.

apparently it's funny to take things from people.
to mess with their stuff.

and when people yell at eachother.
apparently they're really laughing.

but when i grew up...
thepeople, they yelled at eachother out of fear.
out of frustration.
out of anger.
..mostly fear.

dissatisfaction.


so.. when i interrupt that yelling.
the rummaging.

the badman got angry and confused.
and i believe he was trying to intimidate me.
to defend himself.
by slamming doors.
by raising his voice.
by mocking me. mocking my mother.

and that made me so furious.
that i was so helpless.
i was alone.
and somehow it's wrong to try to do the right thing.

i did the right thing....
right?

but even though the original victim yelled in surprise and anger.
it was a joke?
that's a joke...

the bad man threw the lunchbag into the fridge.
he grabbed his stuff.
he slammed doors.
but he left.

i couldn't even use the washroom :S
i was just shaking.
maybe.... maybe he did intimidate me..
just a little...


cont'd