nicotine, valium, vicodin, marjuanna, extacy and alcohol.

after what happened.
my brother came into my room.
all sympathetic-like.
though his words said differently..

he told me that i should just ignore the badman.
i shouldn't talk to him anymore.
even if i see him doing something.

conflict is obviously frowned upon.
but it doesn't matter if he's going through peoples stuff.
if he stealing. and sticking his nose where it shouldn't.
as long as i don't stick my nose in his nosing.

it really hurts to hear that.

i'm supposed to completely isolate myself.
and let him take advantage of everyone around me.
i'm supposed to not care if he hurts my family.
cuz that of course won't hurt me.
as long as he doesn't touch my things.

what if he does?
what if it was my hard-worked lunch?
the refrigerator isn't even safe.
are my things in the bathroom?

nobody shares my point of view.
they dislike him..
and don't trust him.
but nobody will stand up for anyone.



after eric went upstairs..

i can hear everything.
i don't think they realize it.
they might not care.

upstairs in the living room my grandmother and brother started talking about it.
he told her what he told me.
and she said that he wouldn't do anything to me.
so i really shouldn't react like that..
and eric admitted that he "don't trust (thebadman) as far as i can throw him"
but sort of agreed with grandma.

and they changed to alot of subjects.

they don't understand me really..(they said.)
i'm "so uptight all the time"
i "can't take a joke."
and with "the way i was raised"
the way my dad acted.
the way my mom had to deal with it.

he would call her names just to "bug"
badnames.

and he didn't act properly..
not very responsible.

and my mom had to be really tough.
and unlike eric or chris she was my main influence..
eric spent alot of time at my grandmothers.
and with my auntie (badmans ex-wife) babysitting.

and i "didn't understand how this house works".

and my grandmother will always defend the badman.
he's her son i guess..
i guess i don't need any defending.
and it is her house.
but that doesn't make anything right.

my mom came home. she heard about what happened.
she talked to my grandma and told me exactly what eric told me.
and that it's her house.
not ours.

and so i'm sitting here. hungry.
everyone tells me how important it is for me to eat.
but i can't face them..
i feel punished.

i don't belong anywhere.
i don't have a home.



look at a place far away from here